Surrounding myself with bright things, with warmth and peace, seems to help. Lately I've been fighting many things. Depression. Clutter, both physical and mental. The house is getting cleaner again. The children are getting happier again. We're moving on as time keeps going.

Which is good since the alternative is being stuck. "Stuck" is not a nice place to be. It makes us feel trapped in our lives. We can't break out, we see others living and loving and laughing and we can't quite join them. Something I heard a lot when I was younger and going through Major Therapy was "fake it until you can make it". I haven't thought about that for a while and yet today I can see that's what I should be doing to keep going through this time.

As we're getting ready for surgery and all that goes with it, I can picture in my mind what I want to be seen as. Who do I want to be? Is she a shrew, chronically exhausted and snappy? Is she full of grace and serenity and the ability to cope with anything? That is not a question. I'd much rather not be a shrew. So I picture myself as that other person, that graceful woman who loves herself and her family and takes things slowly and calmly with seldom a pause from sunrise to sunset. Someone who takes time to cherish each smile of her children. Someone who can easily cope with all else.

Sometimes, believing in something enough can make it happen.

build a wall
brick by brick
high and wide and deep enough to last
make it with joy
make it with grace
with all the grace given me
to last my lifetime
inside the wall will grow
roses
roses and lilies sheltered from the wind
from the storms of life outside the wall
inside shelters grace and the slight flicker
flame of hope

amber glass crackles
candle flame glimmering
turns the bowl to a ball of fire
glowing with the hope of every night
the promise of every dawn