Thursday, June 23, 2005

new books? I'm in the process of thinking about wondering about getting back into my writing. For the first time in a serious way since two moves ago. I don't know how far I'll get this time before I give up in favor of the insanity that can become my life.

but since I only want to concentrate on one book at a time, which should I focus on now? the poetry or the fantasy? Or some combination of both? Because I've got this one character floating around in my subconscious and she's really cool. And her name is Alexa...

if there's anybody actually reading this, let me know your thoughts.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Herself is home. She is awake. I worship before her tiny little feet and screams of "MAMA! Pay Attention!"

but she's a good baby. she only cries when she needs me. something to be said for that...

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

so she's home now, and doing well. Except for her first spit-up on Mama with milk out her nose. Be proud of me, I didn't panic. I picked her up, wiped her face, kissed her forehead, and burped and cuddled her until she was alright again. She's sleeping now, and I'm exhausted, and I just want to lay on the couch and hold my angel on my chest for the next twenty years or so.

heartbeat to heartbeat. Everything will be perfect, just as it should be.

First day home! Now, with Socks!

Monday, June 13, 2005

my baby's coming home. what kind of twisted humor in the universe has decreed that I'm going to be responsible for this child? I and my beloved made this small person, and now we're going to raise her. and it terrifies me.

if it didn't scare me, I would know that I wasn't ready...

Thursday, June 09, 2005

there's just no way to know what will happen
I don't know if I'll be the person I want to be
I hear the words in my heart whispering
let it go
just breathe
and I want to believe it
I want to let go, I want to relax and embrace serenity
but this is so much harder than anything I've ever faced before.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

this has been a really bad evening. besides the fact that i'm stupid and can't do anything right tonight, i don't think i deserve my emerald anymore. if i thought the boy would take it back, i'd offer it. but he wouldn't take it. i hope.

honestly, i'm afraid he might, right now.
hold the curtains back
lace and white floating in the breeze
scent of cut grass calms my nerves
sunlight and summer and daytime
there are no shadows here
crystal hanging in the window
fracture the light and make colors dance
rainbows against cream paint
cinnamon apples baking
mown grass drying in the sun
speak of peace
smell of the happiness and hope
a girl playing on my carpet
sweet faced with her daddy’s eyes
she is going to be the light of my life
the apple of my eye
sweetness and sugar and all those things
that make up a life
this is what I dream of
this is my perfection

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

I still don't really feel like a mother. It's sporadic; I mean- when I've got my girl in my arms I can feel it, and when I'm at home living life like it never happened I feel nothing. And I feel bad for not feeling anything. And I know that it's silly.


I have to go strip to the waist, hook myself up to an oversized "personal" electric milking machine, which requires the use of both hands constantly to keep the horns properly placed on my nipples, and thus I operate the on/off switch with my toes about half the time. I'm going to be tied to this machine. Because I love my baby, and because this is the only thing that gives me peace right now; it's the only thing that the woman who shared her body with this child can give her right now. I can't be there to hold her, or to soothe her cries, or feed her when she's hungry or change her diapers. I can't be there when her eyes open and she looks around trying to make sense of this strange new world. I can't be there to sit with her for hours, just being there.

but I can pump those depressingly small plastic bags of milk.
it's soft purple tonight
lavender sky strewn with stars
matching my mood
you sit across the room
hiding in your world
escaping into the games, the fantasy

I'm breathing peace in the cut grass
in the breeze from the window
in the way we sit in silence

touch my cheek gently
your eyes say what your words do not
and tonight, for now, we are still
nothing can disturb this
nothing can disturb me
stars come out
daylight fades the purple skies and silver shines
silver on the velvet night

under blankets we lay still
your hand on my hip
skin warm to mine
no words here either
only your breath
my heartbeat in the dark

Monday, June 06, 2005

In my former life as a receptionist I learned a lot about people. I learned that the more power they hold in a company, the nicer they are to the little people. Maybe they can afford to be generous with compliments and courtesy- they have time, and no one is going to tell them to hurry up and get more important things done.

I spent a lot of time entertaining. Or, as I liked to say, Receptioning. It's an art form of the sort practiced by courtesans and other professional hostesses, only without the sex. When someone walks into your lobby, smile brightly. Welcome them. Make them feel as though you've been waiting all day for the chance to serve them. Even if the phone's ringing constantly. Make eye contact as if to say it telepathically. A good receptionist implies her willingness to serve and please in her body language as well as her tone of voice.

Hmm. Maybe we're not so different from sex workers after all. Though I believe that they get paid better. And have some degree of choice over which clients they service.

It's a matter of pride for me that there were only a few individuals and situation that I couldn't cope with. For the most part, though, I was practically perfect --Once I got my feet under me. By the time I left my last position to become a mommy, I came to the conclusion that I was a Mary Poppins figure.

For a limited time you too can lease your very own Mary Poppins! Office in chaos? Receptionist suddenly ill and she's the only one who knows where the bodies are buried? Look no further! Have we got the girl for you! Call OfficeTeam at xxx-xxxx

For the past year that seems to be how my work life was. One mess after another. Filing nightmares. Staffing nightmares through chance and not design/poor management. Finally a much loved receptionist with sudden illness- and all any of these places needed, really, was someone to hold their hand and answer phones. Reassurance does not come cheap. I've seen both my paystub and what my employers have paid for me. It is very empowering to realize that the same people who don't trust you to wipe your nose without instructions are the same people who trust you with opening their mail.

But by and large I have to say I've never felt it as rewarding as when I see the look of gratitude in their eyes when I tell them that it's okay. That I'll be back on Monday. That until they're ready I'll keep coming back. That someone will be there, come hell or high water, to answer the phone at 0800.

I guess I'm ready for motherhood after all.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

a happy cow is a contented cow. Happy cows come from California -that is, if you believe the commercials. I'm so not a happy cow right now. Not a productive cow, either. I'm stressed, depressed, and not lactating enough. It's really silly of me to think it's a competition, and that I'm being judged over the quantity of what I'm not producing, and I can't help feel bad over it.

It doesn't help that my girl may be coming home soon. What am I going to do once I'm respsonsible for her? I want to get a can of formula on hand so that at least I can supplement her feeds the moment she's home with me. Because I know I'm not going to produce anywhere near enough for her to eat, and I don't want her to go hungry.

I wish I knew the secret of convincing my body to make more milk. I wish that it was as simple as a 1-2-3 step program. People tell me that every body is different, and that I'm doing fine, and I'm NOT because I can't squeeze out enough per day to keep up with her right now...

Tired. Cranky. Depressed.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

I hold your hand in mine
eyes meet
you know me, your mama
there is something so soft in your touch
eyes close and you sleep
press your face into my shoulder
this is where you want to be

Friday, June 03, 2005

love me
by your side in the night
velvet skin warm on mine
breath against my back
love me
touch my face with your lips
brush the hair from my eyes with your kisses
hold me close and whisper in my ear
because you haunt my dreams
lover and beloved
hold the key to my soul
unlock me and take my treasures
they are a tribute to you
what you have given me is worth far more
you gave me my own self again
confidence and strength
no matter what shadows come I stand tall because of you
take my tribute offered freely
conquer me with your touch
love me
together we ride the night
stars shining in the darkness
come the morning I will see you by my side again
come the dawning your eyes open and you kiss my cheek
as you slip from my side
always and forever
no one will take this from me

remember that faith comes in a mustard seed
water it with what you have
be it tears of joy or sorrow or the sweat of your toil
let it be a labor of love

remember that from the darkest night
dawn is brighter for the grief we face
for every moment of despair
is an equal spark of joy

keep the faith
this too shall pass
and the seed that sleeps through winter's cold
will come back with glory and green come the spring

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

if words can paint a picture let me share this album with you

can you imagine what it's like to be told that after being told that you'd never have a child, you're pregnant?

seeing two pink lines on the pregnancy test, and knowing what it means to have everything in your existance suddenly stop

it can't possibly be this easy, because nothing is. specialists tell you that it's a high-risk pregnancy, that your chances are higher than average for early labor and a small baby, but they have no idea how much higher. They don't have a clue if your body is capable of sustaining the pregnancy, either. because for this, you are the baseline.

learning to relax at every appt that goes smoothly. In and out of the office in the time it takes to go to the library and browse. nothing unexpected, all signs point to normal development.

everything's fine.

nothing's fine.

waking up one day and wondering if the queasiness is ever going to end. Standing over the stove as a wave of vertigo threatens to collapse your knees on the spot. Sitting alone at home one night and feeling your sanity slipping away... depression. Is it normal to feel this way? Why can't I stop crying? I just feel like the last control I have over my life is gone, stolen by a baby growing inside me that I had given up hope of ever having, and by the fear of losing her that drives me back to doctors time and again. Listen to the specialists, try not to worry.

imagine the morning when everything is hard, when it's such an effort to do anything, and normal life is only a memory of someone else's life...

I became a mother that morning. And I still don't understand how the fuck it happened, or where this baby came from, because I don't remember her first cry. I wasn't there. I was dreaming of her first laugh, her first smile at me. I was hearing her whisper in my ear. Hush, Mama, it's alright.