Argh. Can't sleep. Insomnia, which has never let me down in the years that I've been dealing with it, strikes again. I have overdone things a bit this week and my new chest is swollen just a tad, and it's a truly odd feeling. My own fault. I'll lay off things tomorrow.

It's hard to think of how often you use certain muscle groups before circumstances make you change habits. How many times do I take my daughter under the arms and sweep her up? Hugs, tickles, on and off the bus, on and off my lap, half a dozen times during pull-up changes? Once or twice just to bring a smile to her face. I was totally swept off my feet this week by her sudden willingness to talk. There were so many times that she used her words to label objects. She asked for more treats earlier today. She even said "please".

I'm never going to get tired of hearing her voice. Never get tired of having her hand me a book and take my other hand to lead me to the couch for a story. She climbs into my lap and snuggles close to read a book. She says the name of the book. I have to count each victory separately because it feels like such an overwhelming accomplishment.

Another post of random disjointed thoughts as I can't fall asleep even though my brain is wandering through a hazy dream-like world. My body on the other hand can't fall asleep. So let's jump on the Net, right? Let's let my fingers do some wandering to new sites and some old favorites that I haven't visited in a while.

Everybody, have a wonderful night and a beautiful tomorrow. If you are blessed with offspring, give them an extra hug.

It has been a while since I was forced to recognize the paradox that is my mind's workings. How is it possible to hold two completely different opinions on a subject? First I was going to write that I feel the same after the reduction as I did before. Then I have to add a "but" to that statement. But I feel indefinably different.

I've lost 5 cup sizes. I'm now a D cup instead of a G/H. That's a lot of letters to lose over a few hours. Ten days after I lost those sizes I feel prettier than I've feel in a while. I have the perky breasts of a teenager. Seems wrong, somehow, to know that I haven't looked this good since I was a freshman in high school, and even then I'm not sure I looked that good. It's true that self-confidence makes a person more attractive to others. When I was young I didn't feel that good about myself. It showed. Now I feel pretty. I know that I am, that my husband thinks I'm hot and that my children are thinking that I'm pretty to them. I look at myself in the mirror and I'm not cringing. Good things.

It's one of those things. It just is. So wonderful, so different, and I'm still the same person I was before. Except I'm not. There's an inner peace with myself that I'm still being surprised with every blessed day. I'm going to enjoy finding out more about that later.

Check out my virtual craft show if you've got a minute. I posted a rosary today; I had the beads laying around and thought that I'd string a few and put them out on the table. Look for new dishcloth patterns coming in the next day or two. I'm working on some crafts that would make great stocking stuffers. The holidays are coming quickly, and there's always one or two people that you have to find gifts for at the last minute. Surprise them with a handmade item! And handknit dishcloths and towels are perfect for office exchanges, being pretty and practical all at once for a bargain price.

used to wrap myself in a shroud of pain
soft wicked blanket
comfort
today I've bundled it up
it's out by the curb with the rest of the trash
useless
drown my life now in smiles
blue eyes bright
sing my name in the morning light
thankful
blessed among women for the joy
motherhood a gift eagerly sought
earnestly held
future in my keeping
children teaching me as I teach them
wonder again that a thing so precious
lays a hand in mine
turns up two faces of laughter
greet the dawn with joy

The post-op appointment went well. As I lay back on the table to have my surgical support garments removed and the dressings checked, I choose to count ceiling tiles. A number of years ago I was with a friend during one of her post-op checks. She had a lot of trouble healing from reduction surgery, and that colored my expectations and worries for myself this past week. My surgeon, though, was very pleased at how it turned out. I'm healing well. The drains were removed and the dressings changed, and I've got approval to shower again. Yay me! I still have to hold off on underarm deodorant for a while, and that's why I may not be feeling so fresh during the next few weeks.

I've yet to walk along a beach at sunset discussing freshness with my mother, and oddly enough I feel okay with that. Does anyone else remember those commercials? My mom would always turn to me when they came on the television and made rude comments. While I've never hesitated to talk about anything with her over the past nine years or so, including Freshness, it's not something that brings up the desire to go walking on a beach at sunset.

No, I don't know how the first paragraph led into the second. That's a product of a slightly deranged mind and a rerun of South Park. Sometimes you just need to watch shows like that at the end of a really long day, and this is one of those times. My kids are played with, fed, bathed, and tucked up all snug in their beds while I'm getting the house set for tomorrow morning. The only thing left on my to-do list for tomorrow is to lay my own clothes out ahead of time. It's easier, because I don't have to worry about much. Fortunately the dress code of the stay-at-home mom is a simple one, and the school bus driver is very forgiving if I don't have my hair combed when I walk Tiffany out to the bus in the morning. After that it's a world of giggles with the little boy, and he's pretty forgiving as well. As long as his mom's willing to play peekaboo with him in the sunbeam, he really doesn't care what I'm wearing or how combed my hair is.

reduction surgery. bilateral mammaplasty. so far, it's a success. I had the procedure friday and am still fairly drugged. could be worse.

It's getting time to replace this keyboard. Now it's missing two keys. Possible to work around, but it's not easy. Especially when one of the keys is a letter key. Letter keys can be so important.

As always we're on a strict budget. It's starting to show some improvements though- grocery shopping is easier, meals have gotten healthier, and there is less clutter around the place as I'm steadily throwing out what needs to be thrown, and tidying up what needs to be tidied.

On the other hand there's not as much time to blog. There's time to clean, do laundry, do dishes, and cook. There's time to knit. There's time to parent. Not much time to sit on my butt and be online. Which is great for breaking the Internet addiction and not so great when I'm counting on those goldfish clicks to help balance the books at Christmas time.

Should I start a new resolution? To blog daily again, to do what needs to be done? To work things out? To improve my writing skills? One can only hope...