my darling is so precious.

i had another meltdown moment yesterday. just got so overwhelmed that I couldn't stand another moment. I wonder why I can't seem to relax and let go of things. Like a compulsion to try to control everything I can manage because I feel the rest of my life slipping away. I can't do anything to help my daughter. I can't seem to do anything to help my husband. I can't even manage to help myself... and I hate to admit there are days that I can't even stand to spend another minute at the hospital visiting my girl. It hurts so much to have to leave her, and to think that if only.

if only my blood pressure had stayed down. if only my nerves were better. if only my body weren't so damaged and mangled she might have been able to grow better and stay in me where she belonged until she was ready to be born...

it's the "if only's" that are going to drive me nuts.