Surrounding myself with bright things, with warmth and peace, seems to help. Lately I've been fighting many things. Depression. Clutter, both physical and mental. The house is getting cleaner again. The children are getting happier again. We're moving on as time keeps going.

Which is good since the alternative is being stuck. "Stuck" is not a nice place to be. It makes us feel trapped in our lives. We can't break out, we see others living and loving and laughing and we can't quite join them. Something I heard a lot when I was younger and going through Major Therapy was "fake it until you can make it". I haven't thought about that for a while and yet today I can see that's what I should be doing to keep going through this time.

As we're getting ready for surgery and all that goes with it, I can picture in my mind what I want to be seen as. Who do I want to be? Is she a shrew, chronically exhausted and snappy? Is she full of grace and serenity and the ability to cope with anything? That is not a question. I'd much rather not be a shrew. So I picture myself as that other person, that graceful woman who loves herself and her family and takes things slowly and calmly with seldom a pause from sunrise to sunset. Someone who takes time to cherish each smile of her children. Someone who can easily cope with all else.

Sometimes, believing in something enough can make it happen.