sleepless in san diego

The lights go out and I'm too f-cking afraid to sleep. I cannot let go of ccnsciousness long enough. It hurts too much. I've got therapy in the morning, still new to the group, and I am really dreading it cause I don't know how much I can lay on these people yet. I know the rules and what they're supposed to be, but every group's got a different dynamic and that scares me. I just don't know. How do I casually bring up that yeah, I had a bad week, but it wasn't really that bad and I feel pretty happy that I only had to draw blood once. I'm just tired, I guess. The lack of sleep doesn't help with it. The husband told me about an hour ago when he got in bed that I'm starting to get confused with me and the baby, subconsciously. That's why I can't get in bed anymore, that's why I get so jumpy. And I really shouldn't. I mean, I look forward to crawling in the nest with him at night, and it's a nice warm and comfy place to be. I reach out for his hand cause it's comfort and reassurance and it's what I've done nearly every night for the past four years. Only, these days, I'm flinching as I'm taking his hand. My body's gone numb again. I had to start wearing my wedding/engagement rings around my neck this week cause my fingers are too fat; that's not helping either. Since we've been married it's been the easy grounding trick I've used to get through times like this- not that they've been bad or frequent. Certainly nothing like now. When I feel that screaming inside and just want nothing more than to go ahead and do it, I look at my rings. One on each hand; and I see the love in his eyes and the safety he represents and I don't have that need anymore. Cause I promised him I wouldn't. And since I've had him, I really haven't needed to. When the demons come for me in the dark, he's there to take the place of the blades, and I can't reconcile wanting both right now.