where does time go?

I'm sitting here and all of a sudden it's hours later. I can't stop shaking. The shaking is starting in the inside again. I can't let it out. Can't tell. It's why I start babbling about the oddest things and can't keep anything else to myself. I guess if I swamp people with the extra stuff, it won't give them either the opportunity or the desire to press. Because when they start getting too close to my truth, the words choke in my throat.

It hurts. I don't want to face it. I need the hurt. I need someone to drag it out of me someday, word by word and inch by inch. That one last secret that I'm still holding onto... that I can't let go. That I promised never to tell. I guess I didn't promise so much as believe him when he said he'd kill me. I think that when it finally comes out it's going to break the last hold he has over me.

The night is closing in on me again. I don't want to flinch tonight when I go to bed and take my love's hand. I don't want to hurt him like that, no matter how much he tells me that he understands. I know that it still hurts him. Why do I hurt everyone I care about?