There is something that seems fundamentally wrong about the yeast I just bought at costco. I came home and checked the jar in the fridge- you bakers will know what I mean. The little jar that you get that is about 4oz of yeast and you buy for about 8 bucks?

At costco they have red star yeast in a big freeze-dried brick. 32oz. $3.24.

I swear, I'm not going to argue with it but it seems WRONG. So this is a big savings for the thrifty housewife. 8 of those little jars = 1 brick so 8*8 is a lot more than $3.24

So to celebrate this huge saving I bought Tiff a giant plush hippopotamus chair. It's soft and her size.

want to know what's cooking up today? Here you go. Try it at home for a tasty and comfort-food dinner!

herbed stuffed bread.

Take your favorite bread recipe, and after the first rising roll it out into a big flat pancake about 1/4 inch thick. Sprinkle with thyme, crush rosemary with your fingers and sprinkle that, take an 8oz package of italian blend shredded cheese (I used the mozarella and provolone blend that was on sale this week) and some cut up ham and layer that on top. Then roll it up like a giant stromboli. Or like a jelly roll. Pinch the dough shut along the seam. Place on a greased cookie sheet and bake in a 450 degree oven for ten minutes, reduce the heat to 350, and bake another 30 minutes or so until it meets the bread-being-done test.

We're going to have this with creamy potato soup, because I have a package of that on the shelf left from the summer.

Despite the sound of it, the bread really isn't much work at all. It would be even less work if I had a bread machine that would knead the dough through to that first rising for me.

Hooray for the three hour nap! The Toddler came out, appropriated my keys, and is now banging them against the front door. Do you think she's starting to make a connection there?

We got yet another possible commission. I'm happy. It's another little thing that makes me feel more productive. More like I'm doing something. More like I'm not a couch-sitting bonbon-eating soap opera-watching mental patient. Because mainly, well, I prefer cold case files and CSI.

Don't laugh. It gets me through. And whatever gives you the extra strength to get through the day is a good thing. It may get morbid at times but it's not overly graphic. There is a plot. There is far less bad acting and scripting than is found on other channels [I'm looking at you, MTV!] And when I was little my mom would watch Perry Mason in the afternoons while I was playing nearby. So there's a certain continuity to this, a bonding through the generations.

I've got to go and pick up the Boy in a few moments. It's going to be all nifty. We haven't seen him since this morning, early, before even the Jimmy Dean SunMan had gotten out of bed. There will be a kiss. There will be a tickle of the Borgmonkey in the back seat. There will be much laughing.

I'm going to do this weekend's donut baking a bit easier than I did last week. Actually letting the dough rest overnight in the fridge like the book recommends as best.

Yay me, I gave the Toddler a bath after lunch today. She still doesn't like having her hair washed. I suspect this is because she knows that this is what leads to having your hair combed, and she Really doesn't like that. We took a picnic lunch down to the pier this morning. The Boy had duty. He has an extra watch tonight because somebody didn't show up when they were supposed to, and that means that he won't get to sleep tonight.

Tomorrow. The sun will come out tomorrow. My Boy will be home tomorrow. The Toddler will be giggling again as we chase her through the house with the stuffed tickle monster. I'll bake. Likely, I'll spend a lot of time knitting and reading.

Sometimes this depression is like a big gray cloud over my head. A sack of rocks in my backpack. I know it's all in my head. I know that there's not an earthly reasonable reason for this to exist. I can't kick my ass out of the slump. The meds can help pull me out, but right now this moment they're not helping a lot. All I can do is keep telling myself that it gets better. It will. Tomorrow.

oh, I'm naughty. I'm going straight to the hot place. I floated a check this afternoon, and I went to bath and bodyworks and got myself the cinnamon bun bodywash/shampoo/bubble bath -3 in 1!- and I don't feel guilty. I also found a box of my favorite hair color for half price. And we ordered a pizza for dinner. And I still don't feel guilty.

It's hard to feel guilty when I've been wanting these things for so long. My afternoon out came early this week cause tomorrow's Duty Day. The Toddler is trying to convince me that she's really not sleepy and doesn't need to go to bed. The Boy is outside savoring a post-dinner pipe. I'm going to jump into the shower soon with my newly minted hair and come out smelling like Cinnabon.

I am then going to curl up with the Boy and my knitting and watch CSI Miami until I fall asleep. Still tired. Still depressed. Tomorrow I have to put myself back on the "don't spend money" wagon. But damn. I feel good about myself right now.

let's see... how do I do what I do? Hrm. In the past week I've done the following:

Sunday was sausage patties and rice
Monday was cheeseburger helper (made with generic helper mix and a pound of ground turkey, and half a bag of frozen peas)
Tuesday was baked pizza ziti (the throw it in a pot and forget about it version)
Weds was leftovers and apple fritters
Today is going to be sausage, cheesy orzo
Tomorrow is turkey helper-fried rice


To make this I bought 2 rolls of sausage at 1.50/ each
2 roll of ground turkey (frozen solid) at 1.09/each
16oz store brand frozen peas at 1.33
32oz ricotta cheese at 4.79
8oz pepperoni at 3.00
12oz ziti at .88
generic helper mix at 2.30
tomato sauce at 1.79
brand-name helper mix at 3.14
apple pie filling at 1.29
shredded cheese at 2.50
12oz orzo at .80
rice I count as a pantry staple.

now these prices are what I actually paid for these items, according to my household accounts, some of which were on sale a month ago and sitting in the cupboard until now. I prefer not to pay more than a dollar a pound for ground turkey, which is a great substitute for ground beef- at least half the price, half the fat, and I compensate for the blandness by adding a shake of Mrs. Dash or seasoned salt over it while browning. If I had stocked up the week before this trip I could have gotten more sauce for a dollar a can. By saving and reusing some of the glass jars that more expensive sauces come in, I can pour the canned sauce into a clear jar when I open the can; this lets me keep it nice for longer in the fridge. Unfortunately I wasn't thinking that week when I was in the store and so I paid nearly double.

Also pantry staples that I always have to have on hand, milk and baby cereal and such: milk I get 2 gallons for $4, a case of generic diapers for $20, and various other things.

I spent $120 on last week's grocery order. I ordered online, they delivered to my door, and this will feed us for most of the month saving one or two things. It's worth it, even though the delivery charge was $9, because it eliminates impulse purchasing. Plus, I got three flats of bottled water for the Boy to take with to work (at 4 a day it adds up) since the ship doesn't have running water or working plumbing right now. And all this delivered to my kitchen floor.

I recycle all our refundable materials. In CA this works out to 4 cents a bottle/can under 24oz. With the spare change from this I can run a "free" load of laundry at the laundromat every other week at $2.25. Or I can buy a pack of twinkies and a soda.

Another big hit in my household this week? Apple Fritters. The only thing I had to get that wasn't a pantry/baking staple was a can of apple pie filling. Oh, Yum. I used about half the can of filling in my batter, the other half-can is set aside to do this again later in the weekend, and it made a heaping dinner plate full of fritters.

And another big thank you to my mom, who taught me to cook, cleaned up my messes in the kitchen, and encouraged me to continue this by personally annotating the Mennonite Community Cookbook with all the family recipe variations.

Yesterday I superglued my fingers on purpose. This wasn't because of some psychotic break with reality, this was solely because I was tired of the little chewed up ends of skin by my cuticles. They fray and peel with the yarn constantly rubbing over it. Bandaids will not stay on at this point, because they too are constantly abraded by yarn. I went one step further- packing tape. That wouldn't stay on either. So I turned to an old standby for desparate times: superglue.

Superglue has the advantage of bonding instantly. It forms an outer, protective skin for my poor abraded flesh. It won't fall off, it won't allow further peeling of the skin to bleed. Those blood trails through the house... disturbing. Especially when you don't know you're bleeding and haven't a clue how long you've been dripping blood down your fingers.

The Boy also paid me a huge compliment last night. He says that if I keep cooking this well he won't stay within standards much longer and will have to get sent back to fat camp. Which is nice to hear- but I wasn't the one forcing seconds and thirds into his hands at dinner.

Dinner was a throw-it-in-the-pot and forget about it affair. A package of ziti. the two-thirds of a can of tomato sauce. Most of a carton of ricotta cheese. A handful of pepperoni. Bake until bubbly, or about 40 minutes at 350. And yes... it was good. The ricotta evened out the pepperoni bite. The whole thing blended nicely into my belly. The Boy is eyeing it with delight.

The Toddler, however, is trying to tell us that she doesn't want to go to sleep yet. Even though she's tired, and we're tired, and everybody needs a nap.

I got another blanket commission this morning. Thanks be! The karmic angel of Divine Intervention is lending a hand to us. This commission will cover two weeks of childcare for me to go to therapy. I'm thrilled. My Boy will be less thrilled, as it doesn't quite affect him as intently as it does me. But he's still happy about it.

Plus, the color scheme intrigues me. It's not a scheme I would have chosen for myself. Depending on the outcome I'll make a second one for my Virtual Craft Show. This gives me a little more hope for the next few months, that life won't be quite as tight as they've been. I just want to have a fudge zone in the budget again.

One of my favorite Virtual Friends commented on the grocery budget post, and I thought that my response to her response to my response to her question was worthy of a post all of it's own. If only for the sake of good grammar.

In regards to my $80 per month grocery budget. I certainly don't LIKE to do it that tightly. I think back fondly to the days when I could spend $60 or $70 a week to feed me and my husband. That's in addition to meals out. But now that I'm an at-home mom, things have to change. Some things get cut back, other things get cut out, and I embrace happily my early training in how to squeeze a dime. We don't go out to eat anymore. We've maybe gone out to a sit down restaurant once in the past twelve weeks. We've ordered in a pizza about four times in those twelve weeks.

This is part of the reason why I've got ads on my site. The only reason I put up one of those whiney "donate" buttons in hopes that somebody will drop a coin or two in the jar. This is also why I've got the online Etsy.com craft shop, the virtual book sale, and why I will happily contact you with information on melaleuca products and how they can make your life better (especially the stain treater, because OMG I can spritz the Toddler's stuff, throw it in the hamper, and get to it whenever with the full knowledge that I don't have to do anything else to get the stains out)

Maybe it'll get better in a year or so. I hope so. I'd like to have contacts next year, I'd like to go out and have a spree in the bookstore with my Boy. I'd really like to be able to order out for pizza once a week or be able to go to a restaurant once a month. I comfort myself with knowing that we're not living on credit. We're working our way out of the debt we accrued before he enlisted- when we did live on credit and check-to-check. We may be nearly always dead broke, but we're not getting further behind. We're actually started to pull out of it. Isn't that worth your support? If only by prayers and good thoughts- cause I firmly believe that those count for as much as cash when done in a believing way.

On Saturday I got up before dawn to bake. I didn't plan on it, it just turned out that way. First I couldn't sleep. Then, since the rest of the family was up I thought that I'd leave the bed and go join them. Then I was hungry. And what I was hungry for- donuts.

To paraphrase the great Homer Simpson "mmmmmmmm.......... donuts."

It took me the entire morning. Started at 6 am, and didn't finish frying until noon. But boy are they good.

I'm still mourning the loss of my ideal. Or I'm still trying to live up to it. Have't figured out which it is, all I know for certain is that I'm stricken with these wierd feelings that I've failed my loved ones because I'm not a classic 1940s housewife. It's scary. In my head I know that it's not right, and it's not logical and it doesn't make sense. In my heart I believe it. That's where the conflict comes from. That's where I need to be medicated until I can come to some sort of middle ground.

Next month the Munchkin gets to have a surgery to help correct the blocked tear duct in her left eye. This should help her vision problems a little bit, and that will be good. Also, she'll be under anesthesia for this surgery. That is good. I just remember the last time she was under anesthesia. So small, so completely limp under the drugs. It was kinda scary.

Today is shaping up to be a decent day. We'll see. In the meantime... there's plenty to do and play with.

It's not easy being green. Or blue. Or polka-dotted with big ears and frizzy hair. Today... was a day like any other. I guess. It's the end of the month, so it's time to pay bills, do math, and see exactly what money we have left to live on for the next two weeks. When I can, I like to over plan the meals and grocery list during this payday. It gives me just a little more wiggle room during the back half of the month, and you never know when you're going to need that room.

Tomorrow the Toddler goes back to the eye doc and we get to find out what our next step is. Do we keep up the eye drops? Do we do something different? And more importantly, how do we handle the transition when we PCS next year?

Day after that, of course, is my shrink. The appt where I get to sit down and spill my secrets and get scolded. I don't care right now.

I do get a very twisted thrill out of the look of disbelief on people's faces when they find out my grocery budget. It's not that it can't be done- it's just that a lot of people can't conceive of living that tightly. I blame my genes for this. While my mother and grandmother could squeeze blood from a copper penny, I can only get saltwater... so I'm not quite as good as they are. But I'm going to get there one day.

Tonight I've decreed it to be baking night. I'm trying to get a jump on this week's baking now, and then it'll be a lighter load the rest of the week when there's a lot going on. I'm finishing some of my needlework projects, too. They've just been hanging over my head so long. I have to finish at least four projects this week. A lot of them are nearly done in any case. The Boy has duty today. Let's see if I can surprise him with something pretty and tasty tomorrow?

Still settling into the new medication. Still tired, nervy, easily frustrated, and to top it all off I'm starting to PMS. So it's good that I'm getting a head start on the week. It's a really good thing.

I thought I knew what an afternoon out was like before, but no... this is it. Right now. Right here. The Boy has kicked me out for five whole hours, and we're halfway through them now.

I'm taking advantage of my local library to post this. It's been such a wild day, complete with sleeping in, a little bit of playtime, and a lot of watching the Boy play EverCrack. Tonight's date night, also. We'll see what we see, cause now that my meds are higher I can't have the wine. At least we're still allowed to watch DVDs together. :) It's a Good Thing. So is the cuddling. So is the knowing that I've got some soft projects to work on tonight after he falls asleep, and that I've got an entire afternoon off. And it's even possible that she'll be asleep by the time I get home again.

I'll start having those mushy happy-cuddly-baby feelings again instead of the pull the blanket over my head and hide feelings.

When I woke up this morning it was all, like, WHOA. Medicated. Nice. I was alert and functional and I didn't have fifteenZILLION thoughts racing through my head at once. That lasted all of about five hours after I woke up.

The crash, when it came, was hard. It made the blackness feel even worse because I had been so much better right before. Just goes to show me that I'm an idiot who needs her pills. Wasn't I posting a few weeks ago about wanting a Mother's Little Helper? Isn't this kinda ironic? Now I'm medicated, I haven't even resorted to believing any of the promises in my Spam email. Vicodin, oxycoton, your pain can vanish overnight.

That would be bad. So I'm seeing my shrink like a good girl, and I was *supposed* to call him this morning and let him know how the med increase went last night. But I didn't. Yet another thing that I find nearly impossible to do- when I get to the point where I pick up the phone to place a call to anyone these days, it's either because I'm heavily medicated or on the very last straw. Tomorrow my Boy is going to throw me out for five whole hours. Five Whole Hours. I'm not allowed to call the house, I'm not allowed back in the door for a whole half day. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself.

Just... hoping that I can extend that magical morning I had today. Extend it an hour longer tomorrow, fifteen minutes more the next day. I've got to have hope. If I lose that I might as well give up.

My shrink called this morning. He's raising my meds a lot. Like, significantly. So cool: now I'll be medicated so I can turn my brain off at night to sleep. The Boy has decreed that I've got to leave the house more. That's right, the atheist that I married told me to my face over dinner that he's going to insist that I start going back to church.

It's been the depression keeping me away. It's what has been keeping me from being outside this past month or so. All the little things I used to do. All those things- they just don't happen anymore. Playgroup is now a hit or miss. Storytime is the same. The only one I've been to in the past two months is the one that we waltzed into the last ten minutes and came away with the door prize.

I wish that I didn't feel this way. I wish that I was happier. I wish... wishing won't bring it any closer to happiness.

I heart carbs. Especially in bread form. I think in the past two days I haven't had a snack or meal that did not involve bread products. Right now I'm sitting here with a bowl of pistachio pudding swirled in with chunks of homemade bread. Nummy. It's like bread pudding, with sauce, with pistachio flavoring.

I think today went pretty well. We split a bottle of wine earlier, and cuddled while watching the Law & Order that I taped last night. Now the Boy's asleep, the Tiffany is asleep, and I'm trying to get my brain to turn off long enough for me to join them.

And tomorrow? The teacher comes back to our house. We'll see how the little one has progressed from last week. We'll see if Mommy can get her butt out of the house long enough to go to story hour at the library.

Stay tuned for the answers to these questions and more! Tomorrow!

Medicated. For your protection.

That's what should go on my superMommy shirt. You know, the one that's totally impervious to all child fluids, all household tasks, and cannot be ripped by a speeding lego hurled. Just kidding. Legos aren't hurled in this house. When she gets mad, or frustrated, or just plain unhappy with me, she turns around and bangs her head repeatedly against something hard. This worries me a bit. At this stage, at this developmental point- should she still be banging her head? Shouldn't she be working on developing words? On standing on her own?

She won't as long as I will cave in and treat her like the delicate little preemie she used to be. I have to get it through my head that she's a toddler now. They're very hard to break.

Into every mom's life some crap must fall. If we're lucky it will fall straight into a properly fitted disposable diaper. A wipe, and a clean diaper, and the sun smiles once again on the residents of this humble home. Unfortunately this is metaphorical crap, and it's not in the diaper. It's messy, and it makes me want to crawl under a rock and close my eyes and wait for the world to end.

This, too, shall pass. I know it will. I know it will go away and leave me alone. There will come a time when I can get out of bed in the morning and leave the house willingly without having a checklist of things that must be done before I can come back home again.

In the meantime... would anyone like to crawl into a pillow fort with me? We can make s'mores and tell fairy stories.