"Sky and Sand" has been finished and is now for sale! First come, first serve. Check out this and other fun crafts on Etsy.

Ever since I was little I've loved fibers. Especially visiting the higher end yarn shops- you know the ones. The ones where the cheapest skein of yarn is about 6 dollars... but they have soft mohair. Fuzzy fibers that feel like angel's kisses. Eyelashes, and metallics, and wools, and silks. I saw one skein today that made me drool and dream wistfully of owning it. I wouldn't make anything with it. It's too pretty for that. I'd just put it in a drawer and take it out to fondle every now and then. It was gold and red silk with cherry red glass beads spun into the twists. It was also 36 dollars. For less than a hundred yards. But it was so pretty...

I very seldom indulge my fiber lusts. For one thing, I hate having to go into a store and leave again without picking something out to take home. It's expensive. For the amount of knitting and crocheting I do the acrylics are my best choice. They wash and wear well, and they're easy to work with, and even though they are the plain jane next to the glamorous yarns they fit my budget well. Today I made a special exception to my rule.

There's one yarn that I fell hard for. It's a mottled sky blue with bright gold accents. The yarn is a ribbon-like one; about the width of a very narrow flat satin ribbon. It's smooth in my fingers. It was even on sale. On large needles it'll work up quickly; I'm making it an accent scarf. I'm not going to keep it, of course. My joy is in the creating of this; I wouldn't know how to wear it and I don't have the fashion for it.

But it's pretty. That's all that counts tonight.

Ever since I was little I've loved fibers. Especially visiting the higher end yarn shops- you know the ones. The ones where the cheapest skein of yarn is about 6 dollars... but they have soft mohair. Fuzzy fibers that feel like angel's kisses. Eyelashes, and metallics, and wools, and silks. I saw one skein today that made me drool and dream wistfully of owning it. I wouldn't make anything with it. It's too pretty for that. I'd just put it in a drawer and take it out to fondle every now and then. It was gold and red silk with cherry red glass beads spun into the twists. It was also 36 dollars. For less than a hundred yards. But it was so pretty...

I very seldom indulge my fiber lusts. For one thing, I hate having to go into a store and leave again without picking something out to take home. It's expensive. For the amount of knitting and crocheting I do the acrylics are my best choice. They wash and wear well, and they're easy to work with, and even though they are the plain jane next to the glamorous yarns they fit my budget well. Today I made a special exception to my rule.

There's one yarn that I fell hard for. It's a mottled sky blue with bright gold accents. The yarn is a ribbon-like one; about the width of a very narrow flat satin ribbon. It's smooth in my fingers. It was even on sale. On large needles it'll work up quickly; I'm making it an accent scarf. I'm not going to keep it, of course. My joy is in the creating of this; I wouldn't know how to wear it and I don't have the fashion for it.

But it's pretty. That's all that counts tonight.

Tonight I'm sitting down with something that seemed like a good idea at the time and which still tastes good, but...

hot chocolate, heavily spiked with nutmeg.

It makes my tongue numb. And vaguely sleepy. Good night; I'll see all of you tomorrow.

Thanksgiving. Giving thanks. Thankfulness for the blessings we have.

This morning I had a Moment over a picture of a newborn baby and his mother. Again. In front of the Boy. I don't know why this is so emotion packed for me, still. I keep trying to talk myself out of it and I keep thinking that I've succeeded until the next Moment. I just don't know. Is it because there are still unresolved feelings from my first pregnancy? Is it something else that's deeper?

Why do I want to cry when I think about holding another baby in my arms and imagine that I have two children clutching my skirts? Or three? Why does the yearning come over me so strongly that it chokes my voice and infiltrates my dreams?

8 loads of laundry were done today. Does this qualify me for the Washtub Star of honor? I hope so. I should get a big medal with little stars for each extra load done. And the odd part? It wasn't even for two full weeks worth of stuff. It was all the bits and ends that accumulate in the corners around here. Helped, no doubt, by the toddler who likes to go into drawers and pull out all the contents.

Here's another nifty way to stretch the meat dollars in our budget:

you can usually find ground turkey by the pound in the frozen food section- sometimes I really have to look; Wacky Zacky is usually the cheapest option at $1.00/lb. Since ground turkey is next to tasteless either spice it up in the browning process by adding a few dashes of Mrs Dash or seasoned salt... or you can brown it with one roll of sausage (regular bulk pork) and split the results. Take one half of the mixture and use it in place of a pound of ground beef. This is especially tasty in italian dishes.

I really miss the old days when we could get ground beef for 99 cents a pound or even $1.50 a pound. This solution has decent flavor and is about as healthy for you as the ground beef- since the turkey is almost fat free and the sausage is fat full. I'm not a scientist so I don't know the actual facts and figures.

Tonights menu: Pizza pasta

1 12oz bag of penne pasta that I got for 80 cents
1 jar tomato sauce at .79
about half the bag of pepperoni (full price, about 3.99)
1 15oz tub of ricotta cheese -2.99
1 pound of the sausage-turkey mixture

cook the pasta, throw in with the rest of the stuff and bake at 350 for about half an hour or so. This is the dish that makes the Boy eat three bowls and then tell me that I cook too good because he has to work to meet standards.

Tonight's dinner in the new crockpot, which is so good I cannot stop munching on it.

take one package of boneless skinless chicken thighs (about one pound was 2.80)
one tub of chicken livers -1.84
*put in bottom of crockpot*

one can cream of mushroom soup
3 Tbsp flour
about 1/4 tsp black pepper

*combine these three and pour over chicken*

cook on high for about three hours. Then add one bag (16 oz) peas with pearl onions. Continue cooking for another hour.

I think this would probably work best for people who like dark meat and/or liver. It really doesn't come off as all "liver-ish" per the stereotype. The trick is to puree the liver -just chop it up in the food processor briefly before adding it in; this turns it into a pate when cooked thoroughly. Not overpowering. Just nice.

Will feed two adults and one Toddler for two meals -4 adult servings and two toddler servings. Total cost of this meal: $7.39 which is 3.69 for each dinner if served two nights in a row.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Again. After a week of horrible lows and wierd, twisted logical leaps in my depressed mind, I had a pretty good day. This was aided by the Toddler being all happy and bouncy and bright, and it is to our credit that she stayed up later than normal for us on duty days. Now she is reluctantly going to sleep. I can cope with that.

What I can't cope with, apparantly, is the thought that I'm a good mother and good wife. I feel like I should be one or the other and that both is some fairy-land ideal. It's not real. I know that it's not real. It has no basis in my personal reality right now. So why do I feel this way?

The only thing I know for sure tonight is that there are dishes that need to be put away and a funny book to curl up with. Tomorrow will bring it's own challenges and god only knows if it will be any better or worse than today. I can only go to sleep secure in the truth of the lullaby I sing the Toddler every night.

hushabye and good night, go to sleep little baby
hushabye and good night, go to sleep little girl
in the morning you'll wake when sunlight comes streaming
hushabye and good night
till morning is nigh.

There is something that seems fundamentally wrong about the yeast I just bought at costco. I came home and checked the jar in the fridge- you bakers will know what I mean. The little jar that you get that is about 4oz of yeast and you buy for about 8 bucks?

At costco they have red star yeast in a big freeze-dried brick. 32oz. $3.24.

I swear, I'm not going to argue with it but it seems WRONG. So this is a big savings for the thrifty housewife. 8 of those little jars = 1 brick so 8*8 is a lot more than $3.24

So to celebrate this huge saving I bought Tiff a giant plush hippopotamus chair. It's soft and her size.

want to know what's cooking up today? Here you go. Try it at home for a tasty and comfort-food dinner!

herbed stuffed bread.

Take your favorite bread recipe, and after the first rising roll it out into a big flat pancake about 1/4 inch thick. Sprinkle with thyme, crush rosemary with your fingers and sprinkle that, take an 8oz package of italian blend shredded cheese (I used the mozarella and provolone blend that was on sale this week) and some cut up ham and layer that on top. Then roll it up like a giant stromboli. Or like a jelly roll. Pinch the dough shut along the seam. Place on a greased cookie sheet and bake in a 450 degree oven for ten minutes, reduce the heat to 350, and bake another 30 minutes or so until it meets the bread-being-done test.

We're going to have this with creamy potato soup, because I have a package of that on the shelf left from the summer.

Despite the sound of it, the bread really isn't much work at all. It would be even less work if I had a bread machine that would knead the dough through to that first rising for me.

Hooray for the three hour nap! The Toddler came out, appropriated my keys, and is now banging them against the front door. Do you think she's starting to make a connection there?

We got yet another possible commission. I'm happy. It's another little thing that makes me feel more productive. More like I'm doing something. More like I'm not a couch-sitting bonbon-eating soap opera-watching mental patient. Because mainly, well, I prefer cold case files and CSI.

Don't laugh. It gets me through. And whatever gives you the extra strength to get through the day is a good thing. It may get morbid at times but it's not overly graphic. There is a plot. There is far less bad acting and scripting than is found on other channels [I'm looking at you, MTV!] And when I was little my mom would watch Perry Mason in the afternoons while I was playing nearby. So there's a certain continuity to this, a bonding through the generations.

I've got to go and pick up the Boy in a few moments. It's going to be all nifty. We haven't seen him since this morning, early, before even the Jimmy Dean SunMan had gotten out of bed. There will be a kiss. There will be a tickle of the Borgmonkey in the back seat. There will be much laughing.

I'm going to do this weekend's donut baking a bit easier than I did last week. Actually letting the dough rest overnight in the fridge like the book recommends as best.

Yay me, I gave the Toddler a bath after lunch today. She still doesn't like having her hair washed. I suspect this is because she knows that this is what leads to having your hair combed, and she Really doesn't like that. We took a picnic lunch down to the pier this morning. The Boy had duty. He has an extra watch tonight because somebody didn't show up when they were supposed to, and that means that he won't get to sleep tonight.

Tomorrow. The sun will come out tomorrow. My Boy will be home tomorrow. The Toddler will be giggling again as we chase her through the house with the stuffed tickle monster. I'll bake. Likely, I'll spend a lot of time knitting and reading.

Sometimes this depression is like a big gray cloud over my head. A sack of rocks in my backpack. I know it's all in my head. I know that there's not an earthly reasonable reason for this to exist. I can't kick my ass out of the slump. The meds can help pull me out, but right now this moment they're not helping a lot. All I can do is keep telling myself that it gets better. It will. Tomorrow.

oh, I'm naughty. I'm going straight to the hot place. I floated a check this afternoon, and I went to bath and bodyworks and got myself the cinnamon bun bodywash/shampoo/bubble bath -3 in 1!- and I don't feel guilty. I also found a box of my favorite hair color for half price. And we ordered a pizza for dinner. And I still don't feel guilty.

It's hard to feel guilty when I've been wanting these things for so long. My afternoon out came early this week cause tomorrow's Duty Day. The Toddler is trying to convince me that she's really not sleepy and doesn't need to go to bed. The Boy is outside savoring a post-dinner pipe. I'm going to jump into the shower soon with my newly minted hair and come out smelling like Cinnabon.

I am then going to curl up with the Boy and my knitting and watch CSI Miami until I fall asleep. Still tired. Still depressed. Tomorrow I have to put myself back on the "don't spend money" wagon. But damn. I feel good about myself right now.

let's see... how do I do what I do? Hrm. In the past week I've done the following:

Sunday was sausage patties and rice
Monday was cheeseburger helper (made with generic helper mix and a pound of ground turkey, and half a bag of frozen peas)
Tuesday was baked pizza ziti (the throw it in a pot and forget about it version)
Weds was leftovers and apple fritters
Today is going to be sausage, cheesy orzo
Tomorrow is turkey helper-fried rice


To make this I bought 2 rolls of sausage at 1.50/ each
2 roll of ground turkey (frozen solid) at 1.09/each
16oz store brand frozen peas at 1.33
32oz ricotta cheese at 4.79
8oz pepperoni at 3.00
12oz ziti at .88
generic helper mix at 2.30
tomato sauce at 1.79
brand-name helper mix at 3.14
apple pie filling at 1.29
shredded cheese at 2.50
12oz orzo at .80
rice I count as a pantry staple.

now these prices are what I actually paid for these items, according to my household accounts, some of which were on sale a month ago and sitting in the cupboard until now. I prefer not to pay more than a dollar a pound for ground turkey, which is a great substitute for ground beef- at least half the price, half the fat, and I compensate for the blandness by adding a shake of Mrs. Dash or seasoned salt over it while browning. If I had stocked up the week before this trip I could have gotten more sauce for a dollar a can. By saving and reusing some of the glass jars that more expensive sauces come in, I can pour the canned sauce into a clear jar when I open the can; this lets me keep it nice for longer in the fridge. Unfortunately I wasn't thinking that week when I was in the store and so I paid nearly double.

Also pantry staples that I always have to have on hand, milk and baby cereal and such: milk I get 2 gallons for $4, a case of generic diapers for $20, and various other things.

I spent $120 on last week's grocery order. I ordered online, they delivered to my door, and this will feed us for most of the month saving one or two things. It's worth it, even though the delivery charge was $9, because it eliminates impulse purchasing. Plus, I got three flats of bottled water for the Boy to take with to work (at 4 a day it adds up) since the ship doesn't have running water or working plumbing right now. And all this delivered to my kitchen floor.

I recycle all our refundable materials. In CA this works out to 4 cents a bottle/can under 24oz. With the spare change from this I can run a "free" load of laundry at the laundromat every other week at $2.25. Or I can buy a pack of twinkies and a soda.

Another big hit in my household this week? Apple Fritters. The only thing I had to get that wasn't a pantry/baking staple was a can of apple pie filling. Oh, Yum. I used about half the can of filling in my batter, the other half-can is set aside to do this again later in the weekend, and it made a heaping dinner plate full of fritters.

And another big thank you to my mom, who taught me to cook, cleaned up my messes in the kitchen, and encouraged me to continue this by personally annotating the Mennonite Community Cookbook with all the family recipe variations.

Yesterday I superglued my fingers on purpose. This wasn't because of some psychotic break with reality, this was solely because I was tired of the little chewed up ends of skin by my cuticles. They fray and peel with the yarn constantly rubbing over it. Bandaids will not stay on at this point, because they too are constantly abraded by yarn. I went one step further- packing tape. That wouldn't stay on either. So I turned to an old standby for desparate times: superglue.

Superglue has the advantage of bonding instantly. It forms an outer, protective skin for my poor abraded flesh. It won't fall off, it won't allow further peeling of the skin to bleed. Those blood trails through the house... disturbing. Especially when you don't know you're bleeding and haven't a clue how long you've been dripping blood down your fingers.

The Boy also paid me a huge compliment last night. He says that if I keep cooking this well he won't stay within standards much longer and will have to get sent back to fat camp. Which is nice to hear- but I wasn't the one forcing seconds and thirds into his hands at dinner.

Dinner was a throw-it-in-the-pot and forget about it affair. A package of ziti. the two-thirds of a can of tomato sauce. Most of a carton of ricotta cheese. A handful of pepperoni. Bake until bubbly, or about 40 minutes at 350. And yes... it was good. The ricotta evened out the pepperoni bite. The whole thing blended nicely into my belly. The Boy is eyeing it with delight.

The Toddler, however, is trying to tell us that she doesn't want to go to sleep yet. Even though she's tired, and we're tired, and everybody needs a nap.

I got another blanket commission this morning. Thanks be! The karmic angel of Divine Intervention is lending a hand to us. This commission will cover two weeks of childcare for me to go to therapy. I'm thrilled. My Boy will be less thrilled, as it doesn't quite affect him as intently as it does me. But he's still happy about it.

Plus, the color scheme intrigues me. It's not a scheme I would have chosen for myself. Depending on the outcome I'll make a second one for my Virtual Craft Show. This gives me a little more hope for the next few months, that life won't be quite as tight as they've been. I just want to have a fudge zone in the budget again.

One of my favorite Virtual Friends commented on the grocery budget post, and I thought that my response to her response to my response to her question was worthy of a post all of it's own. If only for the sake of good grammar.

In regards to my $80 per month grocery budget. I certainly don't LIKE to do it that tightly. I think back fondly to the days when I could spend $60 or $70 a week to feed me and my husband. That's in addition to meals out. But now that I'm an at-home mom, things have to change. Some things get cut back, other things get cut out, and I embrace happily my early training in how to squeeze a dime. We don't go out to eat anymore. We've maybe gone out to a sit down restaurant once in the past twelve weeks. We've ordered in a pizza about four times in those twelve weeks.

This is part of the reason why I've got ads on my site. The only reason I put up one of those whiney "donate" buttons in hopes that somebody will drop a coin or two in the jar. This is also why I've got the online Etsy.com craft shop, the virtual book sale, and why I will happily contact you with information on melaleuca products and how they can make your life better (especially the stain treater, because OMG I can spritz the Toddler's stuff, throw it in the hamper, and get to it whenever with the full knowledge that I don't have to do anything else to get the stains out)

Maybe it'll get better in a year or so. I hope so. I'd like to have contacts next year, I'd like to go out and have a spree in the bookstore with my Boy. I'd really like to be able to order out for pizza once a week or be able to go to a restaurant once a month. I comfort myself with knowing that we're not living on credit. We're working our way out of the debt we accrued before he enlisted- when we did live on credit and check-to-check. We may be nearly always dead broke, but we're not getting further behind. We're actually started to pull out of it. Isn't that worth your support? If only by prayers and good thoughts- cause I firmly believe that those count for as much as cash when done in a believing way.

On Saturday I got up before dawn to bake. I didn't plan on it, it just turned out that way. First I couldn't sleep. Then, since the rest of the family was up I thought that I'd leave the bed and go join them. Then I was hungry. And what I was hungry for- donuts.

To paraphrase the great Homer Simpson "mmmmmmmm.......... donuts."

It took me the entire morning. Started at 6 am, and didn't finish frying until noon. But boy are they good.

I'm still mourning the loss of my ideal. Or I'm still trying to live up to it. Have't figured out which it is, all I know for certain is that I'm stricken with these wierd feelings that I've failed my loved ones because I'm not a classic 1940s housewife. It's scary. In my head I know that it's not right, and it's not logical and it doesn't make sense. In my heart I believe it. That's where the conflict comes from. That's where I need to be medicated until I can come to some sort of middle ground.

Next month the Munchkin gets to have a surgery to help correct the blocked tear duct in her left eye. This should help her vision problems a little bit, and that will be good. Also, she'll be under anesthesia for this surgery. That is good. I just remember the last time she was under anesthesia. So small, so completely limp under the drugs. It was kinda scary.

Today is shaping up to be a decent day. We'll see. In the meantime... there's plenty to do and play with.