Monday, April 21, 2008

Recently I was asked to participate in a survey of parents who've had babies in the NICU. Most of the questions were those that I anticipated would be asked. One struck me as unique- it's not a situation unique to the NICU, and I know it's felt by everybody whether or not they're parents. The question is “When do you feel the most out of/in control of your situation?”

That's a hard one to answer. I've always been a control freak. I need to feel in control of things. When I feel like I lose control of things, noticeably my house and kids, then I start to lose my marbles. Some days it feels like a very short trip.

And of course I know that I can't control my kids. That's the reality of kids. They're not controllable. They're led, teachable, they're even sometimes biddable. But not controllable. I make my peace with knowing that I have almost no control over them some days. -Discipline is one thing, following rules is enforced, but controlling whether or not the Toddler eats her meal? Whether or not she accepts the rules with grace or needs several time outs in her room? That's what I mean by not controllable.

I feel out of control a lot. I feel in control more. When I am losing my marbles, I pray. My back-brain starts repeating that one word over and over, my constant prayer for the strength to get through this life. Serenity. Serenity.

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