It's been a few days. Want a quick update? The short version: I had a baby this week.

Now for the longer one: I had a feeling on Tuesday that I'd be kept when I went in to see the doctor. Well, I was right. Robbie ran out of fluids. He had very little left, and what there was in there was in no way able to support him. Fortunately we had more time than last time to do something about it. I went up to triage and called the Boy, and due to some serious wrangling of everybody in the family here in Hanford we got the Boy up to the hospital in time to hold my hand.

I had a normal emergency c-section around 2ish. Actually it took a lot longer than it would have otherwise because the OR was out of twinkies. In english, this means that the preferred equipment used by the anesthesiologist was all out and he had to go downstairs to get more. Some sort of padding, I presume. The curve in my spine made it a bit complicated, but he managed to get the spinal block in place and this time I did not lose my shit right there in the OR. This time I was awake when my Boy came in, all scrubbed up. This time I held his hand when my baby was delivered and I got to be in the room when my Boy saw his Boy for the first time. Apparantly newborn baby boys at 29wk gestation are purple. Good to know. The rest of the day is kinda blurry. There were many wonderful painkillers involved.

Since Robbie didn't have prolonged distress issues, and I hadn't topped out on my bp scores, I spent a minimal amount of time in recovery. They moved me to the ward that evening and I got to see my Robbie in his travelling isolette before he was transferred over to Children's on the far north end of the city. My pressure and sugar returned to near-normal within hours. I got to go home yesterday, under the understanding that I'm still recovering from surgery and shouldn't overdo things. As before, my speedy recovery from the incision site is likely due to small size and placement. It's amazing how little the opening has to be to pass a preemie that small through.

Me. Mother of two. No more babies for us. Now we start the NICU ride all over again. Happy Birthday to Robbie (Robert Raymond), born November 27th, 2007. 1lb, 3oz.

Today is the first day of the rest of this week. We're off to a good start with glucose and pressure and diet all within limits. See the recipe for apricot chicken here. It turned out great and helped use up some leftovers from the fridge.

Last week I was outraged to see frost on my car. Frost! On my car! In Hanford! Well it happened again and I'm beginning to suspect that this will continue until spring. After spending three years in SD this feels wrong. I lost a season somewhere in a town where Birds of Paradise grow as an afterthought and where lilies fill the rainditches as often as they can.

Now that the chill is creeping in I'm again drawn towards warm blankets. Quilts. Sweaters. I'm bundling up and remembering the thrill that comes with stepping on crunchy frozen leaves. Ice crystals melting and glittering in the sun. Frozen rain coating bushes and branches in a solid case of ice, as clear as new plastic. This morning I remembered the good. Not the bad, not the shoveling, scraping, the bad driving conditions. Just the happiness.

It's important that our emergency response professionals have the gear they need. There are even people who want to look into owning their very own gear. Stuff like tactical vests, Galco holsters, flashlights. It seems the only thing you can't buy from this site is an actual firearm... they have great deals on shipping and offer shipping to APO/FPO addresses for people overseas- believe it or not there are companies that just don't do that.

A week of rebellion against diet and insulin has led to a very screwed up series of glucose numbers. It's Sunday again. The traditional (to us at least) start of the new week. Is there a better time to commit to a new start? So in the next week I commit to taking my insulin as scheduled. Don't ignore it. Don't put off testing. Don't do the wrong thing for the wrong reasons.

I have done this off and on again over years over many other things. When it comes to trying to drink more fluids or lose a few pounds that's one thing. Failure to keep up with those programs will not result in controlled blood sugars which in turn are not good for this baby. It sucks. But I've got to behave and get the sugar under control again and so far today -at least after my initial fasting numbers- things are looking good.

But did this come at the price of mostly ignoring the need to lay on my side and rest? Um. Yeah. I'm doing that right after I get done here. I really mean it. I'm going to go and lay down and rest and get that pressure back into limits. Then I can go on with my life and perhaps have a date night later on.

Do you ever have a customer experience that feels you feeling as though something more needs to be said? Whether it's praise or not, every now and then you walk away and are left with a feeling that this experience just has not ended yet. Before you might spend those minutes ranting/raving about it to your family and friends. What happens when you don't have them readily available? Do you suck it all up inside and hold on to that? Or do you wish there was a place online to lodge your commentary. Well, now there is MeasuredUp.com to explore. It's a new site where you can post those sorts of things, whether or not they're favorable or a warning to other people to stay away. The last word in customer service can now be had by the consumer. These reviews might save someone else the hassle you experience over an oil change gone horribly wrong. They might give free advertising to a company who has gone over and beyond the norm.

Did you hear the one about the mom who got to sleep in and never managed to do it? I had official orders to sleep in today. Did I manage to sleep? No. I did manage to lay in bed for an hour extra. I managed to let the Boy get the Toddler up this morning and set down with her toys and breakfast- ready to start the day. Did I manage to do anything else? Well, let's see. I watched a movie on tv. I read a little. I listened to the iPod. I lay on my side on the floor until the carpet has become almost as familiar to me as my own pillow in bed. I am taking my vitamins, my fluids, my insulin, and I've got zits erupting all over my body because of the pregnant hormones run amok.

I've got a cute Toddler who has been willing to cuddle with me for periods of time up to fifteen minutes. She's given me hugs. She's read with me. She's climbed over my body until we both had acheived a nest in the big heap o'blankies on the floor. This is so cool. Beyond cool. I'm playing with her AND resting. And now I've been sitting up for over twenty minutes which is past my safe point, so I'm going to go off and lay down again. We'll see what happens next. Could be fun. Could be exciting. Could lead to more laying down!

Towns where culture and history meet without the glitzy showiness of modern consumerism are high on my list of favorite places. A time and place set aside for meandering through antique shops and bookstores, where the merchants set out little cookies and refreshments, where musicians stroll the streets after dusk... it all adds to the feeling of a more peaceful lifestyle. The St Augustine First Friday Weekend Artwalk is being held again this coming weekend. On the first Friday of every month the parking is free, along with guided trolley tours so you can see the historic sights of Old Town from 5 to 9. The trolley comes along every fifteen minutes.

St. Augustine in Florida is one of the oldest cities in this country at 442 years old. Can that be said of more than a handful of continuously occupied cities outside of Europe? Packed with history. Located in a wonderful (warm) vacation spot that still isn't completely over-run with tourist attractions and money-sucks, it's on the short list of places I'd like to visit one of these days. The St. Augustine Artwalk is sponsored by the art galleries, which collectively hold the finest eclectic art in North Florida. Your tour starts at the San Sebastian Winery, so why not have dinner there to get all comfy and relaxed and settle into the evening?

Alright, so it's a consumer culture. I get it. I do. Everywhere I turn I'm bombarded with images of the latest item that I've got to have Now. Ads tell me that my life just isn't complete without this or that, that I'm somehow failing my family by not buying into the latest convenience fad of housework. Doesn't it occur to them that every now and again what matters more is the act of doing it? That in the time it takes to set up that new fad and incorporate it into my life I could have saved twenty bucks and twenty minutes just getting down and cleaning something? Elbow grease and soap. What a combination! Amazing, no? That it works today as well as it did fifty years ago. And I'm not a bad mom for doing half my stuff the old-fashioned way instead of paying through the nose for a drive-through consumeristic lifestyle.

Once again, let me thank everyone who's been dropping by and adding a few drops into the Goldfish Cracker Fund. Every couple clicks helps add to the fund, and I appreciate it with all my heart.

After the desert heat and winds of this past summer I didn't think it would ever be cold again. This morning I woke up to frost on the windshield and chunks of ice growing on the top of my driver's door. I really am not into Black Friday in a huge way. Oh, every year I go out for a token sale item, but I'm not someone who plans it with all the seriousness of a military campaign. I do not go out into the dark at 4am to stand in lines outside department stores. I barely skim over most sale papers.

But.

Last night my mom pointed out to me The Chair. It was on sale nearby, an early bird special, and I figured that hey, since it was the big present I wanted to get the Boy for Christmas this year I might as well go out today and pick it up for that low, low price. We tentatively agreed to go halfsies on it. We also sorta thought that since this was Hanford the store wouldn't be that crowded at the crack of opening this morning (6) and they surely wouldn't sell every last one in the first couple hours of the day in any case.

When did my retail sense of reality die? No, I mean that. When did I lose touch with the consumer sense of urgency? It's a decent price, and a very good sale price, and with all the big name and big brand things out there I honestly did think that this quiet little town would not lose it's mind. I woke up this morning and clicked on the tv in the bleary pre-dawn darkness to check in on the world/national/local news while regaining slow consciousness. As I did this, I saw the reporters standing in dark parking lots outside similar stores to the one I needed to visit this morning, showing wide angle views of the customers who showed up with rental vans.

Eep, I thought. Better get dressed and out to the store. It's 6:15 now. It'll be 6:30 when I get there. There will be plenty of these chairs left and I will feel silly to have gotten there this early on my own for that, but I'll get the chair I want for that low price. At 6:30 this morning when I arrived I got the last chair available, the floor model. I got that price. I got that last chair in the store of that model, half an hour after opening.

Sign me up as one of the crazy people today.

What happened the last time you had a major car repair? Did you lose your mind, temporarily, and wonder "how am I going to deal with this? WHO am I going to get to deal with this?" Well, I can tell you the story of the first month I was married... Ten days after the Boy became the Husband, he went overseas on his first deployment. The third day after he left, I came home to find a three foot trench in what used to be my bathroom and a jackhammer in the hall. One week and one day after that mess, I went out to start my car after work and found that not only would it not start, the battery had eaten through it's own connector cables. So... okay. At least it gave me something else to focus on besides how broke I was and how lonely I was.

So what happens when you're faced with a situation like that? I was lucky; I had roadside assistance through my insurance company. I don't have that anymore; but there are some places that offer it as part of a major repair "package". AAMCOoffers free towing with a major repair. This would have come in especially handy in that situation. Before it was over, I had my poor car towed 30 miles and then another 5 to the nearest Saturn dealer. Turns out the battery had been leaking acid all over the serpentine belt, because it decided to snap quite messily when they fired the car up after replacing those battery connections and testing it out. Thankfully this did not occur on the highway. This upcoming season, take a minute or two to do something nice for your car, like making sure the necessary maintenance is done. Don't put it off in favor of an extra present under the tree. I think that your loved ones would rather have you around for years to come than a new pair of slippers.

Just when I begin to fret that Robbie's not moving, not growing, not thriving... I'll lay as still as I can and put my hand on my belly. I breathe deep. From the diaphraghm like we always learned in music class and choral singing. I breathe deep and full, letting the oxygen fill every available bit of my lungs. I empty my mind and let go of all those fears. And then he kicks. I feel him moving, stretching, growing. I feel him letting me know that it's okay right now. Today, at least, I don't have to worry about it.

I'm going to enjoy today. Savor these moments and treasure every kick I feel. Right now I can keep him safe. Right now I can hold him close in my heart and soul. Later I'll hold him in my arms, for now I'll hold him closer than that. Maybe I can't hear him cry now. I don't even know if babies cry in the womb. I suspect not. When he's born and settled into that isolette, or warming crib (let's think positively that he'll just be a feeder/grower and not in the level 3), the first week or so he won't cry either. Tiffany couldn't cry for at least two weeks. Soundless crying is horrible to watch in your babies.

That wasn't very comforting, was it? Let me just leave you with the first paragraph then. Let me worry about the second- but forgive me for letting it remain here. I need to remember these things. As self-injuring as it seems, I need that pain in my mind to stay saner this week. To remember that this is going to be just the beginning of a long ride that will make me cry oftener than it will make me laugh. One day the laughter will outweigh the tears again and I'll let go of it all. Salt makes the sugar taste sweeter.

Sesame Street, I love you. Between you and the Teletubbies, you ensure that I generally have 1.3 hours every morning to start catching up on email. I can take my insulin without "help" from the toddler. I can drink some generic crystal light, and eat breakfast. I can, in short, wake up and become mostly human without snapping at my family. Sometimes all it takes is five minutes to get your stuff in order and your day started right.

Of course, two hours later will this matter? Maybe. Maybe not. It depends. If you know the day is going to be rough, if the kids are sick or if you're sick, if everybody just woke up in a crabby mood... just savoring those quiet minutes that will be yours alone can be a lifesaver. I'm all for lifesavers. I'm all for the wonderful peace that comes with them.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, everywhere. I hope you find it a good one. Whether you've got immense family meals planned or a quiet lazy day, enjoy and make the most of it.

I'm coming to accept that I will not realize the dream of having a five pound newborn. Hell, I think that at this point I'll be fortunate to have a 2 pound 10oz newborn again. That's 1195 grams, for those Readers in countries that are more comfortable with metric units. I always remember the Toddler's weight in grams because of that “95” ending. She was so close to 1200... And those 5 grams allowed her to place in the very small for gestational age category of preemiehood. But I'm not going to be seeing a large baby.

That's so out of line with the stuff I read about the dangers of gestational diabetes, too. I mean, you always hear about how if left uncontrolled you'll have a very large infant. How about the dangers of producing a very small infant that come when the diabetes comes next to the blood pressure angle? When complications in pregnancy result something better left to a chinese takeout menu? Sure, I'll have two from column A, three from B, and maybe a nice almond cookie to round it out? -Nothing against chinese menus, mind you. I think that's a great approach to food. Just not to babies.

How do you choose an ISP for your needs? There's hundreds of options and companies all eager to take your money and give you services. It seems like someone would have to become an expert before ever getting to the point of having internet access from their home. The GetISP Info site offers ISP cancellation tips and information about how to choose both a service and a plan that's right for you. Dialup too slow for the amount of online gaming you do? Check for a DSL or cable high-speed package that fits your lifestyle. Wireless network more of an issue for your family? Remember to secure it against outsiders. Choose an ISP that offers bundling? Depending on the price and the bundle, you could get a better deal outside from separate companies.

Even if you've made a poor choice before this site could help you out. They have a page of tips on how to cancel your current service and sign up with a new one.

Are you addicted to stress? Adrenaline? According to an article I just read, an awful lot of women are. They say that with the added benefits of high-paying jobs, motherhood, the ability of some to get all the cake they want and eat it too, they tend to turn into stress junkies. Running from one big thing to another, never stopping, constantly courting burnout. Part of this has been linked to deep levels of insecurity.

I can see that. I want to be a supermom because it offers me a validation from the outside that makes me feel better. If I lose the ability to have a neat home and wonderful kids and a great husband, what do I have? If I lose the validations that ease the insecurity that makes me feel proud and confident of myself, I fall off the supermom pedestal and crash and burn. That would seriously impact that feel-good attitude. So I don't let up on myself. I push myself to be more, to do more, to show off more to the people I come in contact with- is that good? Not really. It gets a need met in me, but I'm doing it for some other reason than that I solely love my family.

Maybe that's the problem I'm mainly having with bedrest right now. I keep seeing it as a failure in me to be able to continue to nurture the family while gestating a new member. I see it as a lack instead of an opportunity to give him a better start in life. It's not a lack, it's a chance. I didn't get this chance last time. I didn't take things seriously enough.

This time? It's serious.

I passed my weekly appt. Yay! This means one more week of continuing to gestate. One more week to try and let Robbie grow big. One more week to lay still and rest. One more week to lose my mind wondering...

The doctor says that I should just keep coming every week. Be prepared for being kept at any time. She's starting to get that Doctor look. You know the one. The one that's kind and concerned. I don't know if that's worse than the kind and worried or not- right now it's all the same for me as far as immediate consequences. Either way I'd end up flat on my back in some hospital bed and in an endless state of waiting. I don't like waiting. I've never been what you could call patient. Pregnancy only points that out as I get further and further into this no-man's-land of uncertainty. If this were a normal pregnancy I'd be getting larger and uncomfortable right about now. Instead I'm tracking my gain/loss of weight in ounces. Obsessing over every bite. Obsessing again over how much I need to eat to gain something and how much of that will be expected to carry over to the baby. I know that so far this baby is smaller even than his sister. Who was, if you recall, pretty damn small herself.

So we carry on carrying on. I'm trying to let go. Live every day one at a time. Stop obsessing because that's only going to raise blood pressure and make the glucose wacky, and that's not what we need. I just need to slow down and keep drinking those fluids and keep everything as calm as possible. And then I can keep being pregnant for another week. I can keep gestating. I can keep praying that this boy grows big.

Have you thought of taking a New Zealand Holiday? It's beautiful this time of year. Heck, it's beautiful no matter what time of year! The landscapes have been used over and over again in tv shows and movies, unsullied by so much of modern society and life. Dialaflight is now offering flights to Wellingtonalong with other New Zealand Flights at some good rates. Cheap flights abound. Just call their customer service line and speak with someone who will help you to book a holiday of a lifetime from the UK to any of several warm and sunny destinations. Don't miss out on holiday offers to get where you'd like to be.

I told my daughter to wait for me
Today I tell my son the same
Do not rush to us
Stay safe where you are
Grow big. Grow strong.
I can do what needs doing
Rest, hydrate, injections
do not rush to meet us
Mama's waiting patiently
We'll be ready when you are
Hush now. Sleep tight.
Tuck your head down and grow
No worries
No need to fret your little head
Ready for you
I'll sleep for you, eat for you
Pray for you in the silent night
You will be a joy to our hearts
As your sister was light to our lives
So wait with peace to take your first breath
Be ready first.

How much community service do you do? What counts as community service, anyway? At a recent speech, Bush praised those who give of themselves for a larger cause. Whether or not he was speaking in support of the military, of volunteering in America, of something else, it makes me think.

Community service is a punishment for some. Mandatory for others. Something lovingly contributed back for the good of all by yet others. Which is better? It seems to me that the last is the only “real” service. If it's mandated, is it really service? Maybe that's my upbringing talking. I tend to resist anything that I'm told to do. That's my nature. Comes with being a control freak, and with being incredibly stubborn. Give me a minute or two and I'll come around if it's a reasonable thing. Give me an hour and I'll convince myself that it was all my own idea to start with. Just don't ever flat out tell me to do something and expect blind obedience.

This, incidentally, causes the most concern in the Boy from time to time. He's used to this behavior in me. It's one of the reasons he loves me. Yet whenever I immediately roll over and agree with him on any topic or directive he stops and looks sideways at me. Just making sure that I'm alright. I get a little thrill out of that pause- another way of control? A passive-aggressive approach? Probably. I should look into that sometime. When I have the time.

When is service no longer service? I'd say when it is given grudgingly. If you're going to give something, give it. Don't lay conditions on it, don't lay expectations on it. Just go and do it. The reward may be small or non existent, but you'll have made the corner of the world you live in just that much better.

I've had pain for years now. I've lived with it day in and out, as I've shared before -among other long and drawnout tales of depression, motherhood, and how does it feel when your baby beats you up without meaning to. Before we moved to CA it was impossible for me to live above the first floor, because my knees just would not accept steps at the end of a long day in the weather. Cold, rain, they all bother me. Snow. Ice. Part of the picture comes from longterm side effects to the chemo and radiation. Some of it comes from a myriad of accidents and injuries sustained over the course of an accident-prone childhood.

What do I do? Do I live with it? How do I treat it? There comes a point at which the OTC meds don't really work to relieve the pain. There's a point at which you cannot ask a doctor to help you because they just won't- the pain isn't something they can see or diagnose, and they've medicated it before, and they think you're just a whiny crybaby addict who wants something they're not supposed to have. Screw that! I just want not to hurt so much I can't sleep at night. Is that wrong? I have enough problems with insomnia as it is. I'm depressed enough already. Chronic pain makes that worse. Especially when you know it's not going to go away. That you've just got to find a way to live with this for the rest of your life.

I'm entering a contest to win a year's supply of FreezeIt, which I tried off a friend the other week and which actually helped in a way that other things have not. I put some on my wrist where it got banged, and the pain went away. Imagine that! It didn't smell all medicinal. It felt good. You can use Freeze It Gel for sore muscles, sprains, shoulder and neck (lower back? Cause that's been hurting a lot more since this baby started shifting...) Strains. In short, all the ailments that come along with parenting a small and verbally-resistant child. Winning this contest will make my life as a mother of two with all those associated aches and pains so much better- a year's supply of this stuff... so cool. So Frosty, even. I hate living with chronic pain. I hate living with something that will take valuable energy away from my babies.