Are you addicted to stress? Adrenaline? According to an article I just read, an awful lot of women are. They say that with the added benefits of high-paying jobs, motherhood, the ability of some to get all the cake they want and eat it too, they tend to turn into stress junkies. Running from one big thing to another, never stopping, constantly courting burnout. Part of this has been linked to deep levels of insecurity.

I can see that. I want to be a supermom because it offers me a validation from the outside that makes me feel better. If I lose the ability to have a neat home and wonderful kids and a great husband, what do I have? If I lose the validations that ease the insecurity that makes me feel proud and confident of myself, I fall off the supermom pedestal and crash and burn. That would seriously impact that feel-good attitude. So I don't let up on myself. I push myself to be more, to do more, to show off more to the people I come in contact with- is that good? Not really. It gets a need met in me, but I'm doing it for some other reason than that I solely love my family.

Maybe that's the problem I'm mainly having with bedrest right now. I keep seeing it as a failure in me to be able to continue to nurture the family while gestating a new member. I see it as a lack instead of an opportunity to give him a better start in life. It's not a lack, it's a chance. I didn't get this chance last time. I didn't take things seriously enough.

This time? It's serious.