Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I sit here wondering what else we can cut out of our budget; how economizing becomes second nature to a housewife who wants and needs to remain a housewife. It's an odd trip at times. Scarily unreal. I chase my husband around the house every day turning out lights, and our sleeping habits are returning to the daylight cycle (aided by a preschooler who wants to be up at dawn and has exhausted me by the sunset). It's a good thing, I tell myself. I dream of the old days when the Boy and I went out to IHOP on a whim, when we thought nothing of bringing home new books every weekend and renting movies to watch while hanging out at home.

We're still hanging out at home, but we're watching cable ondemand instead of renting movies. We stick with digital cable- the free offerings ondemand are just as good as renting stuff. If we rent, it's netflix to provide us with whatever we need. We cut back on eating out which isn't that steep a cut because we've been eating in since the Preschooler was born. On the rare times that I get to the Net these past days I've been looking up ways to cut back even further- things I may not have thought of just yet but which may mean I can squeeze a few more pennies out of the change purse.

It's easy to feel paralyzed and helpless in this economy. Especially when you've been living on the edge of check to check for a while already. I fight a double battle. There's the drain of my children. A drain I accept and embrace, don't get me wrong, but the constant supervision takes an effort. When she's sleeping I want to crawl into bed and hide. When she's under someone else's supervision, I want to crawl into bed and hide and sleep. There's also the new baby, the new preemie in my life who is struggling with feeds and weight gain. I've begun to have nightmares about the what-if's. The scenario of him developing the same problems that his sister does. The thought that I'll be coping with two children who need constant supervision until what... forever? My daughter started preschool and I rejoiced that she was someone else's problem for three hours a day, four days a week. Then I beat myself up over thinking that, when she makes me so happy the rest of the time. Then there's the guilt that the rest of the house has gone to ruin because I either spend my time supervising the kids or wanting to hide in bed.

Either way I end up feeling overwhelmed and hiding. Wanting to hide. Feeling worn out and used up. Would saving a couple more pennies help that? Or would I then turn and take them as a symbol of my worth? I don't know. What do you think?

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