Friday, December 07, 2007

I miss my Robbie. I haven't been up to see him, and I know I said that this weekend only thing was going to work out just fine, and I know that it's not economically feasible to just run up there. I was lying to myself I think. I miss him. I still haven't really "bonded" as such. I feel such a different connection with him already than I did with the Toddler. More a sense of "he's mine". Is this because I am a mother already? Is this because I'm worried about his weight and size and prematurity despite knowing he's got the best possible start for someone born this early?

Is it that he's my baby and I still haven't heard him make a sound a week and a half after he's been born? I want to hold him and I can't. I want to touch him through the portholes of his isolette and I can't. I want to do so much for him and with him, and at the same time I want to throw myself fully into playing and resuming a "normal" life with the Toddler, and that I can do within certain physical limits... I'm torn.

If it was me and the Toddler here, and I was allowed to drive myself, I'd be up at the NICU this morning. Though I don't know who would watch the Toddler since she's not allowed past the waiting room area.

Is this the beginning of baby blues or the beginning of it's nasty depressive cousin or am I just on the rollercoaster of NICU motherhood again?

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