Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Deployments suck. The briefing for families was tonight. I went, sat through about half of it. I think. We left early, because I was tired and starting to get weepy. There is just so much to do, so much to think about. So much to get depressed over.

It feels like there's already a Sailor-shaped hole in my life. I'm already starting to think like a single parent, a navy widow, and it frightens me that I'm not more upset over it. I tell myself that he'll be back, and that the time will fly. That's part of what scares me. If I do okay, if I can handle everything that life throws at me, I am the wife that he needs and wants. If I do okay and can handle everything life throws at me I feel as though I am saying to the world that I don't need him. That I don't need him at all, except for the money and benefits that he provides. It's not true- I need him for so much more than that. I need him in my life, in my thoughts. When faced with hard times I need his presence in the back of my mind telling me that he loves me, that he knows I can come through this.

His body has left a giant hole in my life. His spirit remains with me. There's a song by Stevie Nicks called "Desert Angel". I'm including the text here, with appropriate credits to the artist and album. The melody is haunting and mournful, and in the end words of this song I can feel the longing. This is what I feel when I saw the Sailor-shaped Hole. This is the resolution I feel when I think of the endless miles of ocean between us, and the months before he will hold me in his arms again. I feel a part of all those other wives, living their own personal dramas and heartache while wondering if their husbands, fathers, and sons will ever come walking back to fill that hole again.

From the album "Enchanted"
Written by Stevie Nicks and M. Campbell.
I was born in the desert
So I know how it feels there
Well look up it's a shooting star
But it's as black as night no stars
Well this is the first thing,
That I've written
Since I wrote about freedom
And then the wall came down
Well we thought it was a great beginning
People were free to cross the line
But then something happened in the desert
Something broke the stars into pieces
Well I live below a great red mountain
In the shape of a great huge beast
In a place the indians call Paradice Valley
Well this has always been my sanctuary
I send that to you too
There on the other side of the world
In the desert
And we are the guardians
No black clouds just the faces of you
So where is my father,
Where has he gone
Where is my husband
Where is my son
Where is my father
Where has he gone
What is it that happened here
Is it real
This war
This can't be happening
Ooh well I need to see you
In your far away war
And you should know how much we love you
They call us here, Operation Desert Angel
They call us here, Operation Desert Angel
In waiting
Operation Desert Shield
Operation Desert Storm
Operation Desert Angel

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