Monday, May 15, 2006


Okay. I'm calm again. My composure has been returned, slightly the worse for wear. KittyCat is asleep in her crib, completely worn out by today's Events. Actually, 'Events' seems far too tame a word. Let's call it, oh, I don't know, GREAT HONKING FLIPPING INSANITY CIRCUS?

Perspective is a good thing. A lot of preemies don't do this well at their one year checkup. I need to stay focused on the good stuff and not the bad. I sure as hell don't need to think about why I was a soggy heap of Mommy-Puddle when the pediatrician walked into the examining room. My only explanation to her? I'm just tired today.

Tired also doesn't quite describe the feeling. Tired is something you feel after PRT. Tired is something that covers the morning after the night before. Tired is for wimps. I've been tired now for just about eighteen months. I sleep, and it does do me some good, but never enough. I rest, and that also never does enough. Exercise doesn't help. Nutrition changes don't help. I have tried everything the docs tell me, I've upped my antidepressant. It doesn't help. And when KittyCat decides to throw her weight around, I get strung even tighter.

It's hard to believe that a person that small can have this big an impact. She's just now figuring out how to whimper and wail to express her Royal Displeasure over not getting her way. Add to that her natural distaste for medical procedures, and that was how my morning was going. Plus the crying. Then we get to the actual part of the exam where she had the blood tests and the vaccinations. Turns out that she has her Mommy's veins. Hard to find, buried deep, and when the needle gets there the vein isn't where it's supposed to be. Then we have to find the vein. Then we have to keep the needle in the vein. Then we have to not blow out the vein. She's got little bruises all over her elbow and legs from this- big bruise from the bloodwork and little bruised vampire bites where the shots went in. After that, a nap just wasn't happening. I finally got her to bed about an hour ago. Now I have a nice cup of vanilla tea.

I wish it were stronger. With a little paper umbrella in it, and chunks of fruit. On toothpicks.

I guess I have some stuff to be proud of though. She's not anemic, despite no iron supplements. The doc says she doesn't have to go back on the prilosec. Even though her weight is still falling behind the curve, her length is at 50%. She's bright, and normally happy, and very active. Not shabby for a 31weeker. Not shabby for a mostly-single-due-to-the-military mommy.

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