Friday, May 19, 2006

One more hour before I can pack us in the car and go off to the doctors. One more hour before I can leave, which will allow me to park the car and not feel ungodly early. Where the definition of ungodly early is two and a half hours before the appointment. Maybe that would get them to agree that I'm serious about this whole thing? To be candidly painfully honest, I don't really expect them to find anything wrong with me this time either. I've just about given up, in my deepest heart, on ever feeling stronger and ever having the strength to get up off the floor and do housework or play with my baby girl in the sunshine. It's the hope that maybe this time they'll find out what's wrong with me that keeps me going back. Hope, that one day I won't be exhausted. That I'll have some of my old pep back.

Mount WashMore has exploded in a giant lava flow of dirty underwear. I don't even have the heart to wash it out by hand and iron it dry this week, and so I took advantage of the fluff n fold service at the laundromat. This marks the second occassion in my life that I've given in to this exhaustion in such a manner. I know that realistically, there's nothing wrong with it, that it's a smart move, but my thrifty ancestors are turning over in their graves. What has the bloodline come to, that a daughter of the line is Sending Out the Washing? Willing to pay a premium to make it go away. Willing to cough up the cash, so that the energy I have can be spent doing better things. Worthier things. Like taking care of my daughter.

And that's another thing I'm struggling with a lot lately. She's growing up. Really, truly, growing up. She's not my preemie anymore. She's a big girl, with a personality, and yesterday we had the first real experience of Why Don't I Just Weld You To My Hip And Be Done With It? For a few hours in the morning every time I set her down it felt like the world would end, with the screaming and wailing and gnashing of her tiny little teeth.

I'm just praying that maybe today I'll have an answer. Maybe today I'll have some more hope.

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