Brain Glue

For years and years I used to take a miniscule dose of a certain anti-psychotic drug. It was barely even the minimum dose considered effective, that's how tiny it was. My shrink never took me off it; every time we tried I'd have a major relapse. So I stayed on this tiny little dose for four years or so, and when I moved out on my own and was able to stop all those relapses and medications I stopped this one.

In the past week I've come to realize that I want to be numb. "I want to be sedated" is no longer the name of an old song. I'm standing closer and closer to that emotional borderline edge, and wishing that I could just find something to make all of the emotions go away. It's tempting to escape back into my prior behaviors, which to say the least were not healthy. But I've just got too much to lose by that. When I look back at where I came from I'm amazed that I've got a healthy marriage, and a healthy mother-daughter relationship forming between me and my Girl. The odds are greatly against it. So literally, I've got too much to lose by going backwards and suffering a relapse.

So this morning when my shrink asked, "what can I do to help you?" I looked at him and said, "sedate me." Meaning, of course, that I wanted some miracle drug that would make everything easier to handle. I wanted a Mothers Little Helper. Not so much to make me sleep through everything, just something to make the transitions easier to handle. So I won't do anything to screw up the good stuff. We had a talk about that, and a talk about that long-ago miracle pill that worked so well for me. Turns out that the drug I used to take is so old-school that the pharmacy didn't even carry it anymore. So I've got the next generation.

My previous shrink called it brain glue. I don't need much, I just need a little something to cement the loose shingles in my brain so they don't come off in the rain. Now I'm on brain glue 2.0 and we'll see how it does. And why is it that the most powerful antipsychotics are some of the smallest pills?