An Open Letter to the Idiots who run the Commissary:

I've heard many fabulous things about you. Supposedly I could save oodles of money if I shopped for all my household needs in your aisles. I could get my tires rotated. Happy, smiling people in pristine white shirts will bag my groceries and personally take them out to my car when I'm done shopping. I've heard that I could swoon from the savings on my final bill.

However. I call the Big Bullshit flag on you.

True, your prices are a smidgen lower than the Walmart Supercenter down the road, which is almost the same prices as the FoodCo and the local non-chain markets. This might tempt me to shop in your hallowed store. If not for the fact that you are closed on Mondays.

All I wanted was some cheese and a gallon of milk. It was on my way to fetch the Boy. It would have taken me exactly the ten minutes I had budgeted into my afternoon trip, thus letting the Toddler out of the car for a bit of moving around. And helping keep the sun out of her eyes since she still refuses to wear either sunglasses or a hat.

Could I shop for my needs? No. Because you were closed. It's not like Monday is even a religious holy day. I can see the wisdom of the shortened hours on Sunday, and that you close for holidays. WTF is Monday? Is it a new holy day? Is it a holiday sanctioned by the federal government? Is the convenience of closing on Monday part of your dastardly plan to drive me nuts?

Also, let me take a moment to let you know why I do not like you in the first place. I greatly detest the part of "employing" baggers who work solely for tips. This means that the baggers who happily take my groceries to my car demand cash for the service. It may, in your official wisdom, mean that I should give them a "tip" amount. I have never seen it happen or heard of it happening, and you'd better believe the wife network is pretty damn big. Forcing tips negates the whole point of my savings in your Big Ol' Party Palace.

In short, I am returning to my policy of not patronizing your facility. Even if I bag my own groceries, I am forced to hand over a tip in the guise of "appreciation". If Monday afternoons are the only day of the week I can get my family and schedule slotted into a ten minute run into the store for milk, I'm damn well going to shop at a store that will be open during NORMAL business hours. Note, I'm not asking that you suddenly start opening your doors for customers before 9 AM, when most markets open at 7. I'm not asking that you stay open late. I just want a frigging gallon of milk for my little girl, without fuss, without having to schlep my tired body out to the store at 5:30 when EVERYONE else is doing the same thing.

Above all, I do not want to be a victim of legalized mugging. These days nobody has much extra to spend. A two or three dollar tip to your bagger is ludicrous. Especially in that parking lot. If I try to hold to my principles, I'm given at a minimum dirty looks and cursed at in a foreign language. If I give in, there goes my husband's lunch money for the next day. So fuck you, Mr Commissary Running Idiots. I'm not believing any more of your hype.