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Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Ages ago when I was a wage slave in a beautiful little glass bubble, I found a Dress. It was perfect. Princess seamed, sleeveless, in a dark purple patterned with flowers only a shade lighter than the background. It fit me like a glove. Hugged my waist and curves with just enough tension to the fabric to make me feel like a movie star. Best of all it was on sale, clearanced all the way down to ten dollars. I’m never giving this dress up. It was one of the last things I had to put away when I was pregnant, and one of the first things back out of the closet when I stopped pumping and let the battle of the milk supply go.

Right now I’m sitting here wishing that I could do something productive again, rather than just baby wrangling and scrimping pennies. Story of my life. It’s become a sad little refrain in my blog over the past couple of weeks and I promised that I was going to stop doing that. So let’s focus instead on what I can do.

I can keep painting those little glass jars. I can dream of new things to do to the lids so that they’re pretty and shiny and cute. I can keep knitting little blankies for the NICU preemies. And I can nurture my daughter. That’s pretty damn productive. In fact, one could make the argument that it’s what Motherhood is all about. There’s nothing better in the world than being able to raise a child. Except maybe, raising a child that you and your partner created out of love. A child with your eyes and his smile. That’s just about perfect.

4 comments:

Belladonna said...

Be happy you have your healthy child and someone who will come home to you. Your baby SURVIVED and is a gift from the great Universe. Want to know how LUCKY you are? Visit ONE cemetary and go through the baby section. YES, the baby section. Hundreds of children who didn't make it. Including my preemie who suffered for sixteen days. Consider yourself BLESSED. Your story about your baby has a wonderful outcome and I'm sure that you are compelled to tell it. Please be aware that pregnant mothers and other mothers of preemies don't need this information constantly posted. Its STRESSFUL.

Fireflower said...

I'm curious. What, exactly, makes you think that I don't know how many hundreds of babies don't make it? What leads you to believe that I don't understand? I'm focusing here on the blessings and not on the pain. If I started going back into the pain I don't know if I could come back out again.

My sympathies on your loss.

Belladonna said...

I'm sorry if I sounded off....but You need to realize the fear you put into other people that are expecting children. There are enough horror stories out there - no more need to be reiterated. I am very, VERY happy your baby is healthy and happy - and you are blessed. It would be nice if you focused on the daily life of her instead of reliving the scary tragedy of her birth. I truly am VERY happy that she is healthy as are you.

Fireflower said...

thank you for clarifying... and for the reminder. It was probably just the kick in the pants that I needed this week...