Friday, September 07, 2007

There are times that I absolutely despair of ever getting anything done, ever again.

I don't know if we'll ever get beyond the bare paycheck to paycheck. I don't know if we'll ever get all the way up to, say, having a balance in the savings account again. I don't even know if this is flat-out impossible to dream. It's been a week where paid posting opps have been sparse, where I was counting on them to furnish a bit of fundage for the next month, where I was hoping that something extra was going to fall into my lap so that we could afford a few of the luxury items in our lives. Like a pizza. Or, for instance, paying the bills back to a zero balance every month. And this is not happening. This is likely not going to happen anytime soon. I might as well go out and buy a lottery ticket for all the good my hoarded pennies do.

And is this mostly the depression talking? Hm. Probably. Likely, in fact. Even more likely because all sorts of paid opps are dropping at once this afternoon, but I'm not going to see payment for them until this time next month. That doesn't mean I should ignore it, but dammit... I was hoping for some good things. I was hoping for something good to happen this week, I was hoping for a chance at having a Real Anniversary in two weeks, and I was hoping for a little peace of mind.

But my Toddler still giggles at me. My Boy still says he loves me. I can hope and pray that some of that loving care sinks into my soul during the next few days; and be glad that my mom's still here and can contribute to both groceries and the gas tank until the next payday comes rolling around. Is this the universe's way of keeping me humble? I wish it would choose another method.

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