Today I got out of the house and bought newborn diapers.

This is a serious thing. This is admitting that I will need them sooner than I hoped I would. This is really not a Huge Deal as defined by most of my other pre-baby freakouts. So what? Diapers are diapers. If I do go with cloth diapers full-time, we'll still be needing the occasional disposable. If for no other reason that sometimes, no matter how crunchy a family tries to be, there are places that require their use. Like the zoo.

Regardless of when the child appears, he will require diapers. Diapers are shelf-stable. I should not lose my shit over the purchase of one package of disposable diapers. No matter how useful or needful they are. This morning I also was pricing cases of Neosure. That's not quite as sobering as the other; but darn near close. Neosure is now running about $105 a case (6 cans of powder). Worth it. I don't think WIC will cover us this time around. There goes another expense for us. I also have to go and pack my hospital bag. I won't bother putting anything in it for Robbie, because if he's born now he won't be coming home with us yet. It'll be a long time off. I'm just all full of bad thoughts this afternoon, aren't I?

This morning I woke up with a bp of 154/105. It came down after several hours of laying on my side. Tomorrow I have my weekly OB appt. I don't know what will happen. I really don't. I'm scared. And tired. And I think of packing a lonely little hospital bag and want to start crying all over again.